Everyone over 50 should be issued every week with a wet fish in a plastic bag by the Post Office so that, whenever you see someone young and happy, you can hit them as hard as you can across the face.

My father taught me things about body language that psychologists have been catching up with ever since. He always knew when I was lying, because my posture was all wrong.

It's not that I'm sick of the theater, don't get me wrong. I'm just tired of the commitment.

I've always hated the way I looked, and I've never complained about my brains.

I wouldn't inflict my naked body on any paying audience.

I don't think I'd live in London unless you paid me. Nine figures would be nice.

Every time I've talked about my family in the past, people have ended up getting upset. So I said to my friends and family: 'I shan't refer to you at all, and there's nothing for you to get upset about. There's the deal.