If Jesus was a bartender, He would still only be half as cool as Carlos.

When you jump off a cliff, is it better to land on jagged rocks or burning lava? I know this one. The answer is obvious: It doesn't matter where you land. You just jumped off a cliff.

If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.

I tap a Malediction out of the box, fire it up, and puff. It tastes like a tire fire in a candy factory next door to a strip club. The best cigarettes ever.

Love a man who'll bleed to make a point. (Candy)

I can deal with fighting in the arena in Hell, but laundry and dishes put the fear of God in me.

When you're born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it's not.