I'm a woofer, not a tweeter; a writer, not a telegrapher; an essayist, not an aphorist.

I am at a loss to figure out how to rid my e-mail of those bottom-feeders of the electronic world, the generators of spam.... If I were Emperor of the World, I would lock all the spammers in a room and force them to watch nothing but TV commercials for the rest of their miserable lives, and I would condemn the people who respond to spammers to do nothing but clean the toilets in this room.

Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

Speed Limit – A sign that tells you at what speed the car that's rapidly fading from view in your rearview mirror is going; a law that provides the sole means of support for many small-town police departments.

Self-Checkout Line – The place where customers of an establishment become unpaid employees of the establishment.

Grammar Checker – A software program that is not needed by those who know grammar and virtually useless for those who don’t.

Anytime I see someone blocking the aisle in the supermarket while talking on a phone, I want to ram that person with my shopping cart.