I'm a woofer, not a tweeter; a writer, not a telegrapher; an essayist, not an aphorist.

Anytime I see someone blocking the aisle in the supermarket while talking on a phone, I want to ram that person with my shopping cart.

Speed Limit – A sign that tells you at what speed the car that's rapidly fading from view in your rearview mirror is going; a law that provides the sole means of support for many small-town police departments.

Grammar Checker – A software program that is not needed by those who know grammar and virtually useless for those who don’t.

Mudslinging - In politics, anything bad the opponent says about our candidate; in contrast, when our candidate does this, it is called 'making a good point.

Self-Checkout Line – The place where customers of an establishment become unpaid employees of the establishment.

Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.