My dear, I used to think I was serving humanity . . . and I pleasured in the thought. Then I discovered that humanity does not want to be served; on the contrary it resents any attempt to serve it. So now I do what pleases myself.

If you pray hard enough, water will run uphill. How hard? Why, hard enough to make water run uphill, of course!

Drop dead-but first get permit

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow if tomorrow might improve the odds.

Never trust machinery more complicated than a knife and fork.

Happiness consists in getting enough sleep. Just that, nothing more.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.