Certain types of loudmouthism should be a capital offense among decent people.

Democracy can survive anything except Democrats

I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts so much . . . because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting.

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.

Evolution is a process that never stops. Baboons who fail to exhibit moral behavior do not survive; they wind up as meat for leopards.

The golden sunshine of Italy congealed into tears. Here's to alcoholic brotherhood ... much more suited to the frail human soul, if any, than any other sort.