A family is a bunch of people who keep confusing you with someone you were as a kid.

Oh, the things that go through my mind that I never say. Oh, the things I say that never go through my mind.

It's not that I'm a Type-B personality. It's that I'm driven by a passionate, all-consuming desire to take it easy.

You spend the first two-thirds of your life asking to be left alone and the last third not having to ask.

Do I rue a life wasted doing crosswords? Yes, but I do know the three-letter-word for regret.

Charisma is not just saying hello. It's dropping what you're doing to say hello.

Eventually soulmates meet, for they have the same hiding place.