Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?