I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.