So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?