You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money - forget about it.' She said, 'Dad, I always wanted to swim with the dolphins.' 'Always, or since you saw the sign?

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.