You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of money - forget about it.' She said, 'Dad, I always wanted to swim with the dolphins.' 'Always, or since you saw the sign?

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.