You mix two jiggers of Scotch to one jigger of Metrecal. So far I've lost five pounds and my driver's license.

It's a good thing I stayed in Cincinnati for four years -- It took me that long to learn how to spell it.

The players are too serious. They don't have any fun any more. They come to camp with a financial adviser and they read the stock market page before the sports pages. They concern themselves with statistics rather than simply playing the game and enjoying it for what it is.

Well, there are three things that the average man thinks he can do better than anybody else. Build a fire, run a hotel and manage a baseball team.

On Jose Gonzalez changing his name to Jose Uribe: 'He was definitely the player to be named later.'

I've had more numbers on my back than a bingo board.

The trouble with having a wired jaw is that you can never tell when you're sleepy. You can't yawn.