As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

Without democracy in our homes, we will never have it in the world.

I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't.