As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!