Somebody informed me recently that the key to every art, from writing to gardening to sculpture, is creativity. I beg to differ.

I studied French in high school and German in college and I once took a 24-hour Italian crash course. English has by far the most words in it of any other language. Our money might not be worth anything anymore, but the language is.

The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs'.

An author is a person who can never take innocent pleasure in visiting a bookstore again.

I've never thought it was necessary to make fun of people - you can find fun in people without necessarily mocking them.

I prefer my oysters fried; that way I know my oysters died.

A picture's worth a thousand words? A library card's worth millions.