I've always been a 'your parents have got to come up to the school' type of person. Even now, when I do something wrong - if I say something inappropriate on a live tv show, for example - I half expect to have to deliver a note to Barbara Brand: 'Please come up to Channel 4 head office, Russell's done something despicable.

We all need something to help us unwind at the end of the day. You might have a glass of wine, or a joint, or a big delicious blob of heroin to silence your silly brainbox of its witterings but there has to be some form of punctuation, or life just seems utterly relentless.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

Tumbling into a dark, Lewis Carroll labyrinth of filth, pursuing a white rabbit of smut!

Imagine the wisdom to be passed down from the classical Buddhist texts.

It was crushingly disappointing as a fan of The Simpsons to discover that it's just you in a room speaking into a microphone. I thought I was going to become friends with Homer Simpson, but unfortunately none of them are real.

And I don't think we should be continuing to propagate the idea that famous people are magical or special because it makes people feel like their lives ain't no good.