A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook.

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.