Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends.

Your pet is not your friend. It is your hostage.

That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it.

Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.

Dear God, I understand that if I fail to believe in you, I'll burn in hell for eternity. Thanks for being such a good sport about it.

You have sexual tendencies that are not normal, and you should be ashamed of them.