These problems are real, and you can't turn off real life. So I won't try. Instead, I'll give you a set of tools to help you deal with real life.

My dad told me that when I was born my cheeks were so fat the doctors didn't know which end to spank.

If you're planning on dropping out of high school, prepare yourself for the future by repeating aloud each day: 'I'm looking forward to low-paying jobs for the rest of my life.'

If you could envision the type of person God intended you to be, you would rise up and never be the same again.

Don't let your pride or a lack of courage stand in the way of saying you're sorry to people you may have offended.

Now think deeply. What have you done with your life over the past year? How do you feel inside?

The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic.