When audiences come to see us authors lecture, it is largely in the hope that we'll be funnier to look at than to read.

Upon this theology he rarely pondered. The kernel of his practical religion was that it was respectable, and beneficial to one's business, to be seen going to services; that the church kept the Worst Elements from being still worse; and that the pastor's sermons, however dull they might seem at the time of taking, yet had a voodooistic power which 'did a fellow good-- kept him in touch with Higher Things.

Writers have a rare power not given to anyone else: we can bore people long after we are dead.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...."

In fact, the whole thing about prohibition is this: it isn't the initial cost, it's the humidity.

Every man is a king so long as he has someone to look down on.

What are these unheard of sins you condemn so much - and like so well?