I like to think of myself at home in the armchair, writing, smoking and occasionally wandering down the shop.

I have Van Gogh's ear for music

Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers.

Having a great intellect is no path to being happy.

If you know someone who's depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn't a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

I almost once wanted to publish a self help book saying, 'How To Be Happy, by Stephen Fry: Guaranteed Success'. And people buy this huge book and it's all blank pages, and the first page would just say, 'Stop feeling sorry for yourself--and you will be happy.'

It's extremely unlucky to be superstitious, for no other reason than it is always unlucky to be colossally stupid.