A friend of mine once said he like his women like his parmesan: strong smelling and shaved. I don't agree with that, but I don't like hairy women.

I don't like new bands. I don't want to be one of those pathetic old men in their forties who knows exactly what 18-year-olds are into.

The trick is always to write in pairs because if at least two people find it funny, you've immediately halved the odds of it not being funny.

There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks ago I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent.

I have never wanted to be famous, as such - fame is a by-product.

Hacking into a victim of crime's phone is a sort of poetically elegant manifestation of a modus operandi the tabloids have.

I think there's as much profundity and wisdom in Shakespeare, more so in fact, than those in the Bible.