I'm 47, my girlfriend's 33; she's 14 years younger than me: Back of the net!

A lot of people can be very scared about making themselves vulnerable and appearing uncool. I don't really give a damn; as long as it's funny, I'll do it [make fun of myself].

I find impressionists slightly annoying, really.

The trick is always to write in pairs because if at least two people find it funny, you've immediately halved the odds of it not being funny.

I think we all have a slightly gay gene inside us, don't we? It might be 0.00001 per cent as mine is, or one per cent as yours is.

It is not true that sex degrades women... if it is any good.

I'm gonna hump ya. Like Deputy Dog... Would hump ya.