Carlos was probably somewhere warm, eating three meals a day, and sleeping in a real bed. That was the life

But today when I am 17 and warm and well fed, I'm keeping this journal for myself so I can always remember life as we knew it, life as we know it, for a time when I am no longer in the sunroom.

He taught me to trust in tomorrow.

But I don't want to have to stop feeling. I really think I'd rather die than stop feeling.

I hate the moon. I hate tides and earthquakes and volcanoes. I hate a world where things that have absolutely nothing to do with me can destroy my life and the lives of people I love.

I wonder if I'll ever have to decide which is worse, life as we're living or no life at all.

The Christmas after Mom & Dad split up, they both went crazy buying us presents. Matt, Jonny, and I were showered with gifts at home and at Dads apartment. I thought that was great. I was all in favor of my love being paid for with presents. This year all I got was a diary and a secondhand watch. Okay, I know this is corny, but this really is what Christmas is all about.