In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

HOROSCOPE: Today is a good time for making new friends. A good deed may have unforeseen consequences. Don’t upset any druids. You will soon be going on a very strange journey. Your lucky food is small cucumbers. People pointing knives at you are probably up to no good. PS, we really mean it about the druids.

If the government ever imposes a tax on books - and I wouldn't put it past them - I'm in dead trouble.

If failure had no penalty success would not be a prize.

I can see we're going to get along like a house on fire," said Miss Tick. "There may be no survivors.

They've got something they do it with, I think it's called a mocracy, and it means everyone in the whole country can say who the new Tyrant is. One man ... one vet. ... Everyone has ... the vet. Except for women, of course. And children. And criminals. And slaves. And stupid people. And people of foreign extraction. And people disapproved of for, er, various reasons. And lots of other people. But everyone apart from them. It's a very enlightened civilization.

He sighed. It had come to this. He was a responsible authority, and people could use terms like "core values" at him with impunity.