Aliens don't get stuck in air ducts. It's practically a well-known fact.

The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.

People couldn't become truly holy, he said, unless they also had the opportunity to be definitively wicked.

I'd like to stand up for the rights of people who put everything on their burger - chutney, mustard, pickle, mustard pickle, tomato sauce... It is common knowledge in my family that I can't tell the difference between a veggie burger and a meat one, because the ratio of burger to pickles is so high.

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.

If the government ever imposes a tax on books - and I wouldn't put it past them - I'm in dead trouble.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewere, would much rather you weren't doing.