In standup, you don't have anything near you except a microphone.

Everything's happened to me. Nothing can happen to me now.

The ideal length of time for sex to last is the entire relationship, breaking only for snacks.

As soon as I say I'm from Texas people say, "Oh, I'm sure the school was horrible" and they picture me wearing some barrel and suspenders and people are bucktoothed and ignoring me. But that's not the case. I just had zero interest. I wanted to finish my research in the woods or play guitar or go have a cigarette.

It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.

I always wonder, aside from even my name, what if my parents never split up? What if my mother never died? It swirls in my head all the time.

There's something a lot more self-conscious feeling when there's cameras coming in for close-ups. It makes you very aware.