I was really into music. I started playing guitar also when I was nine. I wanted to be in the Beatles, even though John Lennon died the year I got a guitar and the Beatles broke up before I was born.

In standup, you don't have anything near you except a microphone.

It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.

I was talking and playing pranks and skipping school, failing pretty much every class I took.

I always wonder, aside from even my name, what if my parents never split up? What if my mother never died? It swirls in my head all the time.

I didn't just want to be the one who was always looking around at the weird family members. I wanted to make my mistakes.

The ideal length of time for sex to last is the entire relationship, breaking only for snacks.