A lot of times people will have after-parties or try and host an event for comedians, and they misunderstand us. They think it should be wild and crazy, or loud music, and comedians are typically pretty mellow people that just want to talk to each other. I think it would be highly unusual to find comedians who want to be at a loud, crowded party.

The ideal length of time for sex to last is the entire relationship, breaking only for snacks.

In standup, you don't have anything near you except a microphone.

As soon as I say I'm from Texas people say, "Oh, I'm sure the school was horrible" and they picture me wearing some barrel and suspenders and people are bucktoothed and ignoring me. But that's not the case. I just had zero interest. I wanted to finish my research in the woods or play guitar or go have a cigarette.

When I couldn't get ahold of cigarettes, I'd roll coffee grounds into typing paper and smoke that and then vomit.

I always wonder, aside from even my name, what if my parents never split up? What if my mother never died? It swirls in my head all the time.

I'm always going to do whatever I think is funniest. If something's dark, I'll do it. If it's a sock puppet, if it's a stool, I'll do it.