It has been said that to write is to live forever. The man who said that is dead.

When hiring, mix Harvard Nerds with Chicago Improvisers and stir.

In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history's worst decisions [...].

The only way I could get comfortable around people was to make them laugh.

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers!

I have two daughters, and we live here in Manhattan, and having gone through the Manhattan kindergarten application process, nothing will ever rival the stress of that.

We're gonna promote freedom. Usher in democratic values and ideals. And fight terror-loving terrorists.