Some people work with a trainer, some people work with a stylist. I work with a celebrity fecalist. A fecalist is basically a person who comes and collects my stools, and then examines them to see if I'm eating right and if I should be drinking more water and what my moods should be.

I’ve always been able to tell a lot about people by whether they ask me about my scar. Most people never ask, but if it comes up naturally somehow and I offer up the story, they are quite interested. Some people are just dumb: 'Did a cat scratch you?' God bless. Those sweet dumdums I never mind. Sometimes it is a fun sociology litmus test, like when my friend Ricky asked me, 'Did they ever catch the black guy that did that to you?' Hmmm. It was not a black guy, Ricky, and I never said it was.

[Television] is a great medium for writers, because there's just no time for a studio to interfere very long. You write it, you shoot it; it's on TV.

The same ten minutes that magazines urge me to use for sit-ups and triceps dips, I used for sobbing.

This requires a level of delusion/egomania usually reserved for popes and drag queens

I like to write about women, not so much about the way they relate to men, but about the way they relate to each other.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.