Every kid has something they're good at, that you hope they find and gravitate toward.

This requires a level of delusion/egomania usually reserved for popes and drag queens

I grew up in a family of Republicans. And when I was 18 and registering to vote, my mom’s only instruction was ‘You just go in and pull the big Republican lever.’ That’s my welcome to adulthood. She’s like, ‘No, don’t even read it. Just pull the Republican lever.

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

A wise friend once told me, 'Don't wear what fashion designers tell you to wear. Wear what they wear.'

Somewhere around the fifth or seventh grade I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me. But after a while it became part of my identity.