If you are capable people are happy to play with you.

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.

It’s no more dangerous to society than a radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds.

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

[Please let my daughter] not have to wear high heels.

For my first show at 'SNL', I wrote a Bill Clinton sketch, and during our read-through, it wasn't getting any laughs. This weight of embarrassment came over me, and I felt like I was sweating from my spine out. But I realized, 'Okay, that happened, and I did not die.' You've got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it.