Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

I really love cursing a lot. But as I get older, I realize it's a little unseemly for women of a certain age.

I'm still technically employed by the National Broadcasting Company.

Only in comedy, by the way, does an obedient white girl from the suburbs count as diversity.

You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.

Life is improvisation.

I’ve always been able to tell a lot about people by whether they ask me about my scar. Most people never ask, but if it comes up naturally somehow and I offer up the story, they are quite interested. Some people are just dumb: 'Did a cat scratch you?' God bless. Those sweet dumdums I never mind. Sometimes it is a fun sociology litmus test, like when my friend Ricky asked me, 'Did they ever catch the black guy that did that to you?' Hmmm. It was not a black guy, Ricky, and I never said it was.