[...] things most people do naturally are often inexplicably difficult for me.

It’s the same reason I don’t get Hooters. Why do we need to enjoy chicken wings and boobies at the same time? Yes, they are a natural and beautiful part of the human experience. And so are boobies. But why at the same time?

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.

When hiring, mix Harvard Nerds with Chicago Improvisers and stir.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

I grew up in a family of Republicans. And when I was 18 and registering to vote, my mom’s only instruction was ‘You just go in and pull the big Republican lever.’ That’s my welcome to adulthood. She’s like, ‘No, don’t even read it. Just pull the Republican lever.

It's harder to make something good when you can't curse all the time.