[...] things most people do naturally are often inexplicably difficult for me.

I felt like that character in Flowers for Algernon. Not Charlie, the lady teacher from the college who realizes, 'I've got to stop dry-humping this mentally challenged guy!

[Please let my daughter] not have to wear high heels.

This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury.

I'm not that good looking... nobody is that good looking. I have seen a lot of movie stars, and maybe four are amazing looking. The rest have a team of gay guys who make it happen.

The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.

You don't just decide to destroy a person by making up stuff, and no one at 'SNL' is writing to go after someone.