Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat."

George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three-person commission investigating rules of war violation in the Gaza Strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want to do

You know who does have a funny bone in her body? Your mom every night for a dollar.

The thing that always fascinated me about improv is that it's basically a happy accident that you think you're initiating.

...the music seems creepy, like when children sing in a horror movie

I feel like I represent normalcy in some way.