Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again.

There should be a new, more honest euphemism. Like, I'm leaving office because I plan to solicit more anonymous sex in bathrooms.

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

You don't just decide to destroy a person by making up stuff, and no one at 'SNL' is writing to go after someone.

I don't live the single life and never really did.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history's worst decisions [...].