I've become a professional failure - in order to pay the mortgage I have to remain unemployed. Luckily, a disaster always seems to befall me at exactly the right moment.

You know when you tell a self-deprecating story at a dinner party, everyone's laughing along with you? But then when someone else repeats that same story at another dinner party you feel they're all laughing at you?

I don't envy young Brits crossing the Atlantic to make their fortunes today.

Top Chef is a very smooth-running machine. All the people working there are incredibly professional and absolutely at the top of their game.

The moment I'm perceived to be even a tiny bit successful, my career will go down the pan.

I wouldn't describe myself as a master of anything.

My life's ambition is to play a James Bond villain. I have the cat and the eye-patch, so I'm just waiting for the call. For some reason, though, the phone hasn't rung.