Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We canโt escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other.
Veronica RothNo one's perfect," I whisper. "It doesn't work that way. One bad thing goes away, and another bad thing replaces it." I traded cowardice for cruelty; I traded weakness for ferocity.
Veronica RothI do trust you, is what I want to say. But it isn't true -- I didn't trust him to love me despite the terrible things I had done. I don't trust anyone to do that, but that isn't his problem; it's mine.
Veronica RothThat's the first time I've ever said those words out loud, and now I hear how strange they are. How many young men fear that there is a monster instead them? People are supposed to fear others, not themselves.
Veronica RothSometimes all I want is to be a few inches taller so the world does not look like a dense collection of torsos.
Veronica RothI was still afraid of him, I knew, but in a different way - I was no longer a child, afraid of the threat my terrifying father posed to my safety. I was a man, afraid of the threat he posed to my character, to my future, to my identity.
Veronica RothNo. Because it's so stupid no Dauntless with any sense would speak it, let alone think it. Pansycake. What are you, twelve?" "And a half," he says.
Veronica RothAt home I used to spend calm, pleasant nights with my family. My mother knit scarves for the neighborhood kids. My father helped Caleb with his homework. There was a fire in the fireplace and peace in my heart, as I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing, and everything was quiet. I have never been carried around by a large boy, or laughed until my stomach hurt at the dinner table, or listened to the clamor of a hundred people all talking at once. Peace is restrained; this is free.
Veronica RothDon't you dare try to apologize." His voice shakes. "This is not something you can bandage with a word or two and some hugging, or something.
Veronica RothIt's stupid to miss a thing when there are so many people to miss instead, but I miss this train already, and all the others that carried me through the city, my city, after I was brave enough to ride them. I brush my fingers over the car wall, just once, and then jump.
Veronica RothI have something to tell you," he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hand and look back at him. "I might be in love with you." He smiles a little. "Iโm waiting until Iโm sure to tell you, though.
Veronica RothIt's strange to see people you don't know well in the morning, with sleepy eyes and pillow creases in their cheeks
Veronica RothI'm sick of doing bad things and liking it and then wondering what's wrong with me. I want it to be over. I want to start again.
Veronica RothI feel bare. I didn't realize I wore my secrets as armor until they were gone and now everyone sees me as I really am.
Veronica RothThose who seek peace above all else, they say, will always deceive to keep the water calm.
Veronica RothPeter: Where are you two going? Tris: Why aren't you with your attack group eating dinner? Peter: I don't have one. I'm injured. Christina: Yeah right, you are! Peter: Well, I don't want to go to battle with a bunch of factionless. So I'm going to stay here. Christina: Like a coward. Let everyone else clean up the mess for you. Peter: Yep! Have fun dying.
Veronica RothWhich means that in order to defeat her, I have to think of a way to defeat myself. And how can I be a better fighter than myself, if she knows the same strategies I know, and is exactly as resourceful and clever as I am?
Veronica RothI get up, because Iโm supposed to, but if it were up to me, Iโd stay in my seat for the rest of time.
Veronica RothOut of my peripheral vision, I see Four shove the door open and walk out. Apparently this fight isn't interesting enough for him. Or maybe he's going to figure out why everything's spinning like a top, and I don't blame him; I want to know the answer too.
Veronica RothI pout my lower lip for a second, but then I grin as the pieces come together in my mind. "THAT'S why you like me!" I exclaim. "Because you're not very nice either! It makes so much more sense now.
Veronica RothWell, half of half our faction.' 'In some circles they call that a quarter, Mar,' Lynn says.
Veronica RothI can't force you. I can't make you want to survive this." He pulls me against him and runs his hand over my hair, tucking it behind my ear. His fingers trail down my neck and over my shoulder, and he says, "But you will do it. It doesn't matter if you believe you can or not. You will, because that's who you are.
Veronica RothYou can't be fearless, remember? Because you still care about things. About your life.
Veronica RothIt isn't the height that scares me - the height makes me feel alive with energy, every organ and vessel and muscle in my body singing at the same pitch. Then I realize what it is. It's him. Something about him makes me feel like I am about to fall. Or turn to liquid. Or burst into flames.
Veronica RothEric walks toward me, and I back away by instinct. I try not to be afraid of him, but I know how smart he is and that if Iโm not careful heโll notice that I keep staring at her, and that will be my undoing.
Veronica RothDid you ever meet someone named Caleb?" I say. 'Caleb," Fernando says. "Yes, there was a Caleb in my initiate class. Brilliant, but he was... what's the colloquial term for it? A suck-up." he smirks.
Veronica RothPeople tend to overestimate my character," I say quietly. "They think that because I'm small, or a girl, or a Stiff, I can't possibly be cruel. But they're wrong.
Veronica RothNo selfishness or insecurity kept him from seeing the full extent of her goodness, as it so often does with the rest of us. That kind of love may only be possible in Abnegation. I do not know.
Veronica RothSometimes, all it takes to save people from a terrible fate is one person willing to do something about it. Even if that "something" is a fake bathroom break.
Veronica RothLeave her out of this" "Why? Because you're doing her? Oh wait, I forgot. Stiffs don't do that sort of thing
Veronica RothDon't pretend", I say Breathily. "You know I'm not. I'm not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty." "Fine. You're not pretty. So?" He kisses my cheek. "I like how you look. You're deadly smart. You're brave.
Veronica RothI donโt know what world you live in, but in mine, people only do things for you for one of two reasons. The first is if they want something in return. And the second is if they feel like they owe you something.
Veronica RothYou donโt believe things because they make your life better, you believe them because theyโre true.
Veronica RothI try to leave some space in my mind for things to surprise me or change my mind, I think that's important.
Veronica RothTo live factionless Is not just to live in poverty and discomfort; it is to live divorced from society, separated from the most important thing in life: community. My mother once told me that we canโt survive alone,but even if we could, we wouldnโt want to. Without a faction, we have no purpose and no reason to live.
Veronica Roth