Rewriting is the essence of writing well: it's where the game is won or lost. The idea is hard to accept. We all have emotional equity in our first draft; we can't believe that it wasn't born perfect. But the odds are close to 100 percent that it wasn't.

What I want to do is to make people laugh so that they'll see things seriously.

Don’t try to visualize the great mass audience. There is no such audience—every reader is a different person.

You learn to write by writing.

There are all kinds of writers and all kinds of methods, and any method that helps you to say what you want to say is the right method for you.

Although the frankfurter originated in Frankfurt, Germany, we have long since made it our own, a twin pillar of democracy along with Mom's apple pie. In fact, now that Mom's apple pie comes frozen and baked by somebody who isn't Mom, the hot dog stands alone. What it symbolizes remains pure, even if what it contains does not.

Be wary of security as a goal. It may often look like life's best prize. Usually it's not.