If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

I was a smart kid and I was not understood by my parents.

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.

The dictatorship is shut up, democracy is always concerned.

Usually, you hire people that you think are wonderful.

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.