Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'