The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

If you're in California and it's raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It's like it's raining frogs. They're terrified.

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'