Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.