The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when you get in?

Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come

10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?

Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.

All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.