The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.

Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.

LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg "pate".

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

Epitaph: An inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.

Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.