It's very hard to watch comedy for me, when I'm doing a comedy show, because I either watch a show and I love it, and I'm jealous, or I watch a show and I see all the problems with it, and I'm angry that I watched it.

That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again. 'Good for her! Not for me.'

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, 'I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.'

The federal government began investigating allegations of fraud against the Coalition Provisional Authority, a U.S. contractor accused in a bid-rigging operation involving millions of dollars. Asked to comment, a spokesperson for Halliburton said, 'Millions? With an M? That is adorable.'

The creation of the UCB Theatre is by far my proudest professional accomplishment.

There's only, like, five perfectly symmetrical people in the world, and they're all movie stars, and they should be, because their faces are very pleasing to look at, but the rest of us are just a jangle of stuff, and the earlier you learn that you should focus on what you have and not obsess about what you don't have, the happier you will be.

When you're doing sketch comedy and you're pregnant, it's like wearing a giant sombrero in every sketch.