I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.

You shoot saltwater in your ass?

I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!

I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.

I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.