I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.

I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.

I understand why so many female comics quit or change their path, because it is hard. It's hard to be a comedian, and people have so much aggression towards women. I don't really know where that comes from, but I feel a total responsibility, and I'm gonna do my part, to continue on the path that I'm on.

You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom.

I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.