I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.