You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

You shoot saltwater in your ass?

Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.

Song "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" is actually about syphilis.

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.