I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.

I care about what the people I care about think about me. It's a short list, but I really care about what those people think.

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!